*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
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One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*