I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
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My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No