[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
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[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not