WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
You Might Also Like
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
This made me smile…
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!