Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
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Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE