Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
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With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys