Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
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Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I’m not wrong
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?