Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
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I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I feel attacked.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?