*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
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*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
My love language is hissing.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot