[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
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When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.