Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
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i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
just leave it at the foot of the bed