Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
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Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”