Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
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Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it