@praisecheese: "Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone's been dead for 5,000 years, so there's no rush"
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@TheBoydP: Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field. Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
@garrydavenport: "Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo", I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to "remove pizza from box before consumption".
@onion_an: Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before? Me: No [nervous because it's my 1st interview] Me: But I used to be an embryo
@patnspankme: I haven't been this confused about what's going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.