@praisecheese: "Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone's been dead for 5,000 years, so there's no rush"
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@YosefHawel: Most young lives are lost not because of seat belts, but because the defibrillator needs you to sign into Facebook first.
@FattMernandez: Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
@MatCro: [office] DAVE: We're having a baby SUE: Congratulations! ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
@RamblingMachine: The worst part of having to kiss someone is when the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.