Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
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I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
“How’s your day going?”