Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
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If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
how to exercise your calf muscles
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”