Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
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Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
love it when they get my name right
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Lmao
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Venn
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭