Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
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You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.