Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
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How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.