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@ElleOhHell: Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
@crunchenhanced: Men's underwear should be called "manhole covers"
@ComedicBust: [hiding in a pantry during a robbery]
Wife: [terrified and crying]
Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can't taste the difference.
@librarianfonz: I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they'll open up a small demolition business together.
@tuckonthis: "Doesn't it feel good to Payless?" no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
@Brampersandon_: Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean 'what scent is it?'
*with a mouthful of candle wax*