Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
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I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Worlds greatest photobomb
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
just left a huge legacy in there
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.