Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
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[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.