are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
You Might Also Like
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
This kid is going places
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.