Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.