Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
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There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Whoa… oh I see lol
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!