@NickBossRoss: Are we sure that we're supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I'm discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
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@eddiesnextwife: My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays. I'll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
@vivalamoi448: 4 yo: Mommy, it feels so good. Me: What does? 4 yo: To be a gangster. Me: ... Go tell your father I said to come here.
@Marlebean: I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
@Sickayduh: "The Jetsons and Flintstones existed at the same time. One in the sky, one on the ground, and both in a post-apocal-" "Juror is dismissed"