Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
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Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Krampus.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I am crying
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.