Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
You Might Also Like
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die