are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.