@IamEnidColeslaw: are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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@illTortuga: From now on, when you see the word "minimum", good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
@shutupmikeginn: I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, 'change color and escape in a cloud of ink'
@junejuly12: Apparently "if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly" was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
@mishakey: I just had 'the talk' with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn't real.