are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?