Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
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The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…