@_troyjohnson: You: "I'm only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me." Sports Broadcaster: "Here comes the oldest player in the league. He's 32. A miracle."

@kibblesmith: "How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?" "Well ..." [I stoke the fire] "It was Hashtag International Cat Day..."

@truegritrumble: ME: *plummeting to earth* I'VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS

@_MoonWinx_: 32 is taking me to dinner, 29 is taking me to a concert, & 26 is taking me straight to bed. I don't have kids, did I do that right?

@lucyworld1: If you weren't supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn't package them in rows of 15.