@causticbob: Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood

@sweetmissashley: Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I'd be obsessed with you too.

@Jaywoo74: Wife: You act like a child with that phone. Me: Child? I'm a grown ass man. Wife: Let me see your phone. Me: No. *snatches phone Me: MINE

@Real_Dick_Head: *gets first nose bleed since childhood* Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

@HatfieldAnne: I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.