It’s tough getting user casket reviews
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Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
This meal prepping shit is easy
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
somebody come look at this
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.