“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
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Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
(more comics:
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
twitter is a journey
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag