Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
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Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.