Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
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Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
me
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I feel seen.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.