“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
You Might Also Like
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Best misinterpreted text ever!
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.