“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
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Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]