“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
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How dude HOW?!
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika