It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
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Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Facebook memories be like
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.