CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
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Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*