“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs