“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
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I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
oh you wanna fight?!
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀