Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
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DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Natural selection at its finest
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀