if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.