You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
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I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.