Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
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I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.