@TheCatWhisprer: Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don't want to look like a dork.
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@d_duhwit: Enviromentalists:"How can we stop the rising oceans Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism):"Pull all those big whales out.
@Blondiethegood: Bro Transformers are real! Haven't you seen a big truck or a camaro? They are real. They just hide real good like chewbacca. And batman.
@beefman138: I will never refer to 'drunk me' or 'sober me' because that implies the second one exists.
@RocketRankoon: Facebook: "Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!" Me: *backs away slowly* [My Twitter origin story]