Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
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Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts