*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Found the job I’m suited for
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever