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@NicestHippo: "Are you sure this lawyer is good?"
"He pronounced sue like sway"
@Mom_Overboard: *pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
@captainkalvis: wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall
me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!
@EllenPallas: Life tip - buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift.
You are welcome.
@TheToddWilliams: The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
@sarcasticmommy4: I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.