Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
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She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
constantly working on myself.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive