A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
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If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?