Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.